Holland; culture shock and identity crisis

Day 251: June 30, 2018

I decided to write a little review. I’ll do it in English, just as promissed. (Thank me later, Olivier)

Back in the Netherlands, the country that is supposed to be ‘home’. I am not home, I feel like a visitor when I walk down the streets or ride around on my bike. I feel distant from the life that kept on going here, just the way it always has been. Nothing changed, except for me.

The culture shock is huge, even more than expected. I have changed so much, bit by bit over the past 8 months, while everything here went on, on the same pace. Somehow I expected that the moment I would set foot on the Dutch low lands again, I would fall back in my old ways and get used to the culture I was living in before. After all, this was what happened to me within 3 days after living half a year in Asia! But this time is different. I’ve not realized until now that I have really changed; changed my way of thinking, my values and standards. I’ve found new passions, developed new habits and completely new values to evaluate life by. I found myself appreciating a completely different culture and actually embracing it more than the one I used to call my own.

Looking back at the beginning of this journey, I can really see my point of view regarding this new culture shifting 180 degrees. I’ve grown to love those things I had an aversion to before. For example: who would have guessed that dancing Reggaeton in clubs, bars, well even at home(!), was something I just cannot get enough of. How funny to look back at the first moment I went a night out on this trip; in a nightclub called Chango in Cusco, Peru. I still see myself looking around to the girls, all dressed up in high heels and tons of make-up, dancing with full dedication to the Reggaeton beats coming from the speakers. There I was, with the Dutch sobriety vibe written all over me, catching myself judging everyone based on superficial observations, like we use to do in Holland, while timidly dancing the well-known two-step dance move, also like we use to do here in The Netherlands. There was no ‘shaking that ass’ at that time, oh no! What would people think..!! In The Netherlands we have a habit of judging people that don’t follow the rest of the sheep hurdle. The saying goes: “just act normal, then you’re already acting crazy enough”. Typical.

In Colombia my mindset tilted. Seeing all those beautiful women dressed up, but with full confidence dancing with rhythm like I’ve never seen before. Proud of how they looked, showing of their beauty, men staring them down with awe. I was amazed. This was the complete opposite of what I was used to; the less make up, the better; less effort and especially less flirtations. And flirtations there are. The Latino culture is just, in almost every aspect, more open and passionate than the Western. With each day I lived in this opposite culture, I noticed myself changing my way of thinking. Up till the point that there was only reaggeaton, salsa and every other Latin related music genre listed in my Spotify. I was finding myself spending just a bit more time on appearance. Where in Holland I rather went by my day to day life unnoticed, hating every stare I got from whomever, avoiding every random eye contact possible.. I had grown to love the looks I sometimes got while just walking down a street. Not caring what other people might think, but just living your life full confidence. What a liberating feeling, what an eye-opening experience.

Examples like this, established a personal change. I feel disconnected with my old ways. Although it has a negative tone to it, it is actually rather positive. This was the purpose of going on such a trip, wasn’t it? Changing my ways, my directions. Isn’t it the purpose of any traveler? How cliché; I went traveling at the other side of the world and found myself. Well relax, I did not found myself, I think that is still a hell of a long road to go. Jeez, I am glad that I did not found myself yet, that means there will be so much more life changing and eye-opening experiences to come!

However, right now, the fact is; there has been a change. And how philosophically perfect that might sound, at this very moment it sucks. Returning back to Holland was awful. Leaving my old life, which I just had spent so many months on carefully building, vanishing half a globe away. The first few weeks back were the worst. I could not accept that I was back in Europe, while my life in Guatemala was still going on. Desperately I was trying to hold on to anything connecting me to that place. Which is not very strange, considering that place was/is my ‘home’, those people are my friends and family, and yes, there is that guy for whom I developed a bit more feelings than I initially realized.

All these factors made leaving so difficult, but of course there are some exciting aspect of returning as well. Reuniting with my friends and family was the one thing I looked forward to the most. Having this in mind, I took a seat in the flight back while fantasizing about seeing everyone again: just like how it has always been, like I never left! What a huge deception. As I already said, the culture shock was unbearable and the first two weeks were the worst. I felt disconnected with everything and everyone here. Feeling depressed by finding myself in an enormous identity crisis. Who am I, where is my home, how do I define my life? Sounds dramatic, doesn’t it? But only imagine, returning to a country, to a city where you haven’t lived for over 6 years. No idea where you are going to live for the next few months, where you’re going to work, what your life will actually look like from now on. There is no certainty, whatsoever. This can be very liberating: “the world is your oyster” as my new favorite saying goes (thank you Stef). However, in my case, this situation was not very stimulating for my already growing doubts about my further life.

The identity crisis comes in a few phases, including sadness, uncertainty and bits of anger. Very striking is the fact that, one minute, you can feel on top of the world and the other, you can feel like you just hit rock bottom. Luckily, at this moment, after a few weeks ‘home’, I can finally feel myself getting back to normal. Well, I wouldn’t say normal, but at least feeling myself getting back into the daily routine. I made some short term plans, like moving back to Amsterdam for at least a few months, having in mind what kind of job I would like, at least for the upcoming months and scheduling salsa classes and salsa events this summer. Exciting! I try to combine my new Latin passions with life in The Netherlands. Just some short term plans, because I cannot handle anything for the long term yet. The thought of living back here, in Holland, for a year or so, scares the hell out of me!

Nevertheless, there are definitely aspects of the Dutch culture I have missed, some big advantages about this country. How great is it, to have public transport like we do. And (9/10 times) exactly on time, on the second even! And besides the public transport, there are bikes. BICYCLES! Don’t even get me started. Foodwise: Bitterballen and Kroketten with mustard and mayonnaise!! Stroopwafels, I did not realize I’ve missed them, but God, que delicioso. Yeah obviously CHEESE. Every sort of cheese. I even missed Drop a little, liquorish, salty sweetness! Oh, and did I mention Bitterballen? They are just amazing.

For now, I have accepted that my life is here, in The Netherlands, with bikes, cheese and Bitterballen. And that is completely fine! For now. I have amazing friends and family all over the world now, who I love more than anything. And most of them live right here, just 1 or 2 hours apart. How great is that. Although I felt that Guatemala had become my home (I still do) and I long to return.. some very wise people have given me some advice: “don’t look at the past or fantasize about the future too much, since you’ll be missing out on the amazing things that are happening right now, in the present”. Again, how cliché to have learned this form travelling, but how true. And by this advice, I’ll try to live. For now. Make short term plans and enjoy the beautiful summer here in The Netherlands. And once it starts to get winter again, we can make new plans. Todo es possible!

Adios, ciao.. for now!